Mr. Doe

    Priscilla felt her phone vibrate, pulling it from her pocket she saw it was a text.  She let out a frustrated sigh, it was a text from him.  Requesting a meeting.

    "Fucking hell I don't have time for this."

    As she was holding her phone a new text came through.  It was from her boss.  'Hey, you've been working so hard lately, please take the day off.  Paid.'

    "Son of a bitch."

    Her day now cleared up she had no choice and as usual he provided no details as to where but that didn't matter.  She looked outside and saw the snow on her window sill.  She grabbed her coat and headed out the door looking down to make sure she didn't slip on ice.  When she looked back up she was in a bar on a beach somewhere and the patrons were staring at her confused.  She looked back behind her at the door which was now the door to a women's restroom.

    "Very funny." she muttered to herself, suddenly very aware of how hot it was now.

    "There's my favorite detective!"

    Priscilla turned back towards the seating area.  There in the middle was a gray haired bearded man.  A bottle of whiskey on the table, glass in hand and an annoyingly charming smile.  He didn't always look like this, but it was the form he usually took for meetings.

    Priscilla made her way over to the table and threw her coat over an open seat.  "You knew I was dressing warm and picked a hot ass beach for our meeting on purpose.  Where the hell are we?"

    The man laughed.  "We are in beautiful Nassau!  Please have a drink with me!" 

    Priscilla shook her head as she said down.  "You know I don't drink."

    "A year ago you didn't track down rogue gods but here you are."

    "Cut to the chase Mr. Doe."

    The mans smile widened, then he finished his whiskey. When the glass was lowered the smile was gone.

    "Careful with this one Ms. Johnson.  He's dangerous."

    "They're all dangerous."

    "Aye so if I'm warning you please listen, this one will not hesitate to kill you if he learns you are working for me."

    Priscilla looked into his eyes and something she saw in them made her uncomfortable.  "Noted."

    As per usual I will provide you with information you may need to help track the rogue down on a need to know basis.  As well as any other --tools-- you may need."

    Priscilla stood up and grabbed her coat.  " Any idea where I should start?"

    Mr. Doe poured another glass of whiskey and then slid the glass towards her.

    "Drink, Ms. Johnson."

    "I told you I don't--"

    "DRINK."

    While there was an obvious sternness to his voice there was still a great level of calm.  Priscilla thought for a moment.  Mr. Doe could make her drink it if he wanted... truly make her and not even lift a finger.  But he didn't and she knew it.  Begrudgingly she grabbed the glass and gulped it down.  She winced, closing her eyes tightly in response to the taste and the burn.  When she opened them they were sitting at a table in a completely other place. 

    "Where are we now?"  she asked.

    "A hotel in Ireland.  This is the last place I could track him before he successfully hid himself from me."

    "That's all you have?" 

    "Ms. Johnson I hire you to track those I can't.  If I had more he'd have been captured by now."

    Priscilla stood up and began to take a look around the room, looking for clues or anything that could be useful to her investigation.     

    "This place looks spotless, you let the hotel crew clean up?"

    "I took a look around before.  I searched for any remnants of power a god would leave behind and found none.  I saw no reason they should not."

    Priscilla frowned and let out a frustrated sigh. "Mr. Doe as you said yourself you hire me to track those you cannot.  You may not have found anything of importance here but that doesn't mean there was none.  Now an important clue may be in a pile of trash bags."  Mr. Doe looked at her for a moment before making a subtle nod in agreement.

    Priscilla put on her coat and made her way to the door.

    "Where are you going?" Mr. Doe asked.

    "To the lobby to enquire about this rooms last guest.  Hopefully I can get something of use."

    She grabbed the handle and pulled the door open and then clear of its hinges.  She made a guttural moan of annoyance.  Clearly one those 'tools' Mr. Doe supplied her was superior strength.

    "You could have warned me."

    Mr. Doe's smile grew wide.  "What would have been the fun in that?" 

Games and Depression! Even you can't be caught unawares!

My last post was two years ago.  As I said before, my interest is a fickle thing and now I'm back again.  Maybe I should have waited two more years and posted this exactly four years later.  Would have added a nice level of symmetry since my previous post was four months from the one before it.  Then I could have moved from years to decades.  Making it to seventy-nine years of age would be worth writing a blog post about after all.   

By then we may be consuming content directly to our brains though.

Queue 80's synth-wave music...

I'm actually only writing this to stay back the overwhelming nothing of depression I was experiencing, an all too often occurrence.   It feels nice to get some creative juices flowing regardless of the many spelling and grammatical errors contained within.

The reason I even thought about my blog again was because I decided I wanted to go through my back log of games.  I have so many I've bought and never even installed.  And then I had the crazy idea of writing about my experience... like a review.  A Game Review!

But that's just a theory...

Joking and badly placed meme images aside.  It seems like an interesting use of my time, if it stays back the depression monster even a little then it's a good use of time.

And to start off my backlog game review I picked a new game I just installed.  Damn it I've failed already!

Keep a look out for the possibility of a review for a game titled The Gunk. 

I do my best blogging from work.

  What's that Paige?  Have you already made it so big you quit your day job and now blog full time? 

Ha ha ha!  Regrettably no.  I still work a regular job eight to nine hours a day but I manage to squeeze in enough not working time to blog too.  I'm not proud that though.  Also, as a side note I want to mention that this is my first post in four months.  I’m amazed I even opened my blog back up, but good ol’adhd kicked in and I got terribly bored and was desperate for mental stimulation.

I figured I could get a laugh out of checking my analytics.  See how many people viewed my blog since I last checked in.  Surprisingly the most views came just a month ago.  At just ten views my guess is search bots, but who knows?

I’ve actually had this post saved as a draft for the entire four months I’ve been gone.  I figured if I started it then I’d be more inclined to finish it.  But my desire is a fickle thing and was fleeing to a new interest shortly after hitting the save button; even if I was not yet aware. 

But I’ve digressed from the point of this post entirely now.  I have the luxury of having a computer for use at work, and a job that has me at my desk for at least half of the day.  So while I am squeezing my writing in I can't help but wonder how much more efficient I could be.  There is an argument about how much of ones time at work should be spent actually working.  I think many of us feel it's not possible to be working ALL of the time, a minute here or there talking with a fellow associate, spending a few extra minutes in the bathroom, etc.  But am I balancing my work/ not work time well?  Probably not.

Should I care though?  I work for a nation-wide company.  I'm just a number to them and they'd replace me in a second and pay someone less to do the same work.  And according to this very thorough and scientifically reliable study the four hours of work that I complete on average is about on par to your average office worker in the UK.  So maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself?

People have viewed my blog?

     I have a total of 4 posts including this one and I apparently have 95 total views?  What drove them here?  Do bots show up as page views?  It's kind of neat to think some random stranger has set eyes upon the words I've left here.  Even if only for a few fleeting moments before running off to what they were actually looking for.  

    Kind stranger, I thank you for adding to my notoriety, I will try to remember you when I am rich and famous.

    I've done a lot of reading over the last few days on how to host a successful blog and the general consensus is that the blog I'm doing is not the way to go.  I'm not famous, so internet rando's aren't going to care about my life.  I'm not working within some niche subject of which I'm some kind of expert.  I don't even have a fancy looking design.

    Do I even want a lot of visitors?  Do I want to be internet famous?  A non-small portion of me does.  Though I also think that the reality of being too well known would also be quite stressful for someone like me, an introvert.  But unless I drastically improve the quality of my writing I doubt I'll really have to worry about it.  Famous last words?

My Brain Hurts

    I can't even remember what I was going to write about when I originally opened this program.  That's the problem with my brain, it goes a million miles a second!

    I like to think that's part of the reason for my depression.  I can't shut my brain off.  It makes it difficult to stay on one topic.  It even makes it difficult to get to sleep as my brain wont calm down enough to do so.

    I want to look in to medication for ADHD as at this point I feel like I've tried and failed too many times at just forcing myself to stay on task through willpower alone.  I have started to work on mindfulness training, but like typical ADHD fashion I don't remember to do it and when I do think about it it always feels like I don't have time to spend meditating at just that moment so I put it off only to forget all about it later.

    It's just very frustrating, I feel like I've wasted so much of my life not accomplishing anything meaningful  due to my inability to stay interested.

    I want to create longer more meaningful posts, but that's easier said than done.  I had this saved as a draft for the last few days because I felt the post was too short.  But this is it, I've got some stuff I can certainly expand upon I think.  For now I'll have to let this bird fly.

Platform Change

     I don't think I even made it twenty-four hours before I ditched the platform I started this blog on (Wix) and moved to Blogger.

    I had chosen Wix originally for its apparent simplicity over Wordpress.  And I had tried to work with Wordpress in previous years but the thing that makes it so widespread in the "blogosphere”—its massive customization—overwhelmed me.  And with no real goal in mind for my blog I didn't know where to start.  Honestly until right now I had taken my failure to work within Wordpress as another sign of my ineptitude.  That I wasn't smart enough.  But I see now that it just bored me; I couldn't sit through articles or video's teaching me the program because I wasn't interested in learning it not because I was dumb.

    After starting the blog and messing around with all the little doodads Wix had to offer I was starting to get more annoyed with it.  The company obviously wants me to pay for the premium service and that's understandable but at the prices they were charging and given that I'm working with the most basic of blog subjects (myself, ha!) meant I couldn't justify the purchase.  After some looking I decided that for now, Blogger is a better fit.

So, I left the high class and fancy halls of Wix to hang out with my ilk down in the slums.

No One Special

 

It’s right there in the blog title. I'm just a trans woman with a lot of thoughts. It seems an apt description of myself; though certainly not something that's unique to only me.

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to start something like this. My earliest attempts were at my own personal webpage, built for free on the "super cool" Angelfire website; which I was surprised to find actually still exists!

I was so proud of that thing, it taught me the very basics of HTML while building it too. It sported a homepage, an about page, a contacts page, and like many a site of the early aughts (2000 -2003) it possessed a guestbook for visitors to leave a comment. Though I never had any visitors save for a couple of friends.

This would be the very first failure of its kind in my life. Over the next twenty years I have also attempted to start a few YouTube channels, a couple of blogs, tried becoming a live streamer on Mixer (Microsoft’s alternative to Twitch) and even started a streamer promotion venture… With the exception of that last one I kept running into the same problem. I had the desire but no real concept. How do you create content when you don’t know what that content should be? You need a subject matter and I couldn’t think what that subject should be. It was like trying to write a research paper when all you can manage is your name.

I think it was FOBO—Fear of Better Options. My own interests vary week to week, sometimes day to day probably because of my ADHD. Well, my thus far undiagnosed ADHD as treatment is expensive. So deciding on one particular niche was hard. How can I commit to a Let's Play channel when I may want to produce some cool educational content like Vsauce? So in the end I always gave up.

But this is a personal blog so I’m not going to worry about subject matter. Will I ever make money off of it? I can't imagine I will but at least I can give myself a sense of accomplishment.

I’m setting the date. If I make it twelve months actively working on this blog then I've finally accomplished something I can feel good about.