People have viewed my blog?

     I have a total of 4 posts including this one and I apparently have 95 total views?  What drove them here?  Do bots show up as page views?  It's kind of neat to think some random stranger has set eyes upon the words I've left here.  Even if only for a few fleeting moments before running off to what they were actually looking for.  

    Kind stranger, I thank you for adding to my notoriety, I will try to remember you when I am rich and famous.

    I've done a lot of reading over the last few days on how to host a successful blog and the general consensus is that the blog I'm doing is not the way to go.  I'm not famous, so internet rando's aren't going to care about my life.  I'm not working within some niche subject of which I'm some kind of expert.  I don't even have a fancy looking design.

    Do I even want a lot of visitors?  Do I want to be internet famous?  A non-small portion of me does.  Though I also think that the reality of being too well known would also be quite stressful for someone like me, an introvert.  But unless I drastically improve the quality of my writing I doubt I'll really have to worry about it.  Famous last words?

My Brain Hurts

    I can't even remember what I was going to write about when I originally opened this program.  That's the problem with my brain, it goes a million miles a second!

    I like to think that's part of the reason for my depression.  I can't shut my brain off.  It makes it difficult to stay on one topic.  It even makes it difficult to get to sleep as my brain wont calm down enough to do so.

    I want to look in to medication for ADHD as at this point I feel like I've tried and failed too many times at just forcing myself to stay on task through willpower alone.  I have started to work on mindfulness training, but like typical ADHD fashion I don't remember to do it and when I do think about it it always feels like I don't have time to spend meditating at just that moment so I put it off only to forget all about it later.

    It's just very frustrating, I feel like I've wasted so much of my life not accomplishing anything meaningful  due to my inability to stay interested.

    I want to create longer more meaningful posts, but that's easier said than done.  I had this saved as a draft for the last few days because I felt the post was too short.  But this is it, I've got some stuff I can certainly expand upon I think.  For now I'll have to let this bird fly.

Platform Change

     I don't think I even made it twenty-four hours before I ditched the platform I started this blog on (Wix) and moved to Blogger.

    I had chosen Wix originally for its apparent simplicity over Wordpress.  And I had tried to work with Wordpress in previous years but the thing that makes it so widespread in the "blogosphere”—its massive customization—overwhelmed me.  And with no real goal in mind for my blog I didn't know where to start.  Honestly until right now I had taken my failure to work within Wordpress as another sign of my ineptitude.  That I wasn't smart enough.  But I see now that it just bored me; I couldn't sit through articles or video's teaching me the program because I wasn't interested in learning it not because I was dumb.

    After starting the blog and messing around with all the little doodads Wix had to offer I was starting to get more annoyed with it.  The company obviously wants me to pay for the premium service and that's understandable but at the prices they were charging and given that I'm working with the most basic of blog subjects (myself, ha!) meant I couldn't justify the purchase.  After some looking I decided that for now, Blogger is a better fit.

So, I left the high class and fancy halls of Wix to hang out with my ilk down in the slums.

No One Special

 

It’s right there in the blog title. I'm just a trans woman with a lot of thoughts. It seems an apt description of myself; though certainly not something that's unique to only me.

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to start something like this. My earliest attempts were at my own personal webpage, built for free on the "super cool" Angelfire website; which I was surprised to find actually still exists!

I was so proud of that thing, it taught me the very basics of HTML while building it too. It sported a homepage, an about page, a contacts page, and like many a site of the early aughts (2000 -2003) it possessed a guestbook for visitors to leave a comment. Though I never had any visitors save for a couple of friends.

This would be the very first failure of its kind in my life. Over the next twenty years I have also attempted to start a few YouTube channels, a couple of blogs, tried becoming a live streamer on Mixer (Microsoft’s alternative to Twitch) and even started a streamer promotion venture… With the exception of that last one I kept running into the same problem. I had the desire but no real concept. How do you create content when you don’t know what that content should be? You need a subject matter and I couldn’t think what that subject should be. It was like trying to write a research paper when all you can manage is your name.

I think it was FOBO—Fear of Better Options. My own interests vary week to week, sometimes day to day probably because of my ADHD. Well, my thus far undiagnosed ADHD as treatment is expensive. So deciding on one particular niche was hard. How can I commit to a Let's Play channel when I may want to produce some cool educational content like Vsauce? So in the end I always gave up.

But this is a personal blog so I’m not going to worry about subject matter. Will I ever make money off of it? I can't imagine I will but at least I can give myself a sense of accomplishment.

I’m setting the date. If I make it twelve months actively working on this blog then I've finally accomplished something I can feel good about.